The Pain of Motherhood

Pregnant women frequently ask me, how in the crazy world did you go through four pregnancies? Because my back hurts, my feet can't fit into their shoes anymore, I have acid reflux, I also have stabbing pains in the pelvis, I'm tired all the time, I'm throwing up all the time, I'm so sick of being ginormous...

I used to be one of these whiners. Now I know better.

The truth is that in the grand scheme of motherhood, pregnancy is the easiest stage. As big of pain pregnancy is, it ain't nothing compared to labor. While I've mostly forgotten the aches of pregnancy, I have not forgotten a single excruciating minute of any one of my four labors. Even with the majority of my brain cells dead.

Oh, but that is nothing compared to breastfeeding. The pain of an impacted breast, mastitis, thrush, a human cyclone sucking on it every 2 hours in the wrong latch-on position no matter what stinking hold you use, for an entire year (at least)! Words to describe it fail me. It would be like dragging a man with his naked penis on a dirt road and stomping on it. At some point, though, you do get used to it.

But does the pain end there? Noooo...

Because then you actually have to raise the child. Not like a fish or turtle, either, which recently died on us. You have to raise them well. First of all, you have to feed them. And not just by whipping out your breast and sticking it in their mouth. You have to cook them organic foods that cover every nutritional rainbow, only to have them declare,"yuck" when it's placed before them. My advice is to breastfeed for as long as possible.

Then there's the disciplining, where you have to yell constantly (for consistency, of course) over fighting, getting to school on time, doing their homework, eating their food, using their manners, getting ready for bath, getting ready for bed, bugging people while they're on the phone, whining, teasing, magically transforming anywhere they've been to into a huge garbage pile...

So while pregnancy may cause your internal organs to be squished up into your throat, enjoy it while you can. Because in a few months your life will get a gazillion times harder.

It's worth it, though. At least that's what they keep telling me.