Saturday, November 12, 2005

The Dream

I had a dream last night.

In it, I was sitting in a large room with other people around me. Somebody in charge was passing out a small package to each person. When it was my turn, the leader turned around and grabbed this big bunch of flowers and some huge posterboards. As she walked towards me with this, the young man who sat next to me leaned over and whispered, "I'm sorry, they were all out of roses." I realized they were from him, and before I could reply, the leader was in front of me, handing them to me. The bouquet of flowers was actually a big bunch of pretty small, white flowers and the posterboard was a huge letter to me made out of magazine cuttings, foam letters, pictures, and all kinds of interesting materials. I realized that everyone was staring at me and this huge gift. I also saw the young man looking at me intently with his penetrating face. I couldn't stand everyone's stare and so I quickly said, "Er, thanks," and shoved the gifts under my chair. The young man looked away.

Later on, I ran into the young man while walking home. I struck up a conversation with him, asking him about his bicycle which I knew was his favorite possession. I felt bad for my behavior earlier and so I tried to make up for it by being extra nice but it was already too late. Our conversation was awkward, and he seemed wary of me. At this point, I woke up feeling a little regretful.

During breakfast, it hit me. I had been so inconsiderate to the young man, not really giving him a proper thanks. I cared more about what some strangers thought of me than about the important person sitting next to me. Instead of being ashamed for no reason, I should have showed a more enthusiastic thanks to him and showed his gift off like he obviously meant for me to do. How could I have been so thoughtless?

I suppose the reason this dream stands out to me is that unlike the crazy dreams I usually have, this one is completely in character with who I am. I've done this many times in the past with Kevin. While I was living in Arkansas, Kevin mailed this homemade chocolate cheesecake to me, and when my other housemates saw it, they immediately made fun of loverboy and his gesture. I quickly put it away and then told Kevin not to send me any more.

Even worse, I've done this many times with God. The One and Only God who gave me millions of beautiful flowers in my bouquet and then topped it off with millions of wonderful critters to go along with it. Then he wrote the love letter of all love letters, taking over thousands of years to write, using all kinds of creative styles like poetry, songs, prose, and stories. And instead of thanking Him properly and showing it off, I'm more worried about what other people think, that I might be brainwashed or a Jesus Freak. So I sadly spend all my energy trying to fit into this secular world just to please total strangers.

My only consolation is that unlike the young man in my dream, God (and Kevin, for that matter) have already forgiven me, and there is no awkwardness, no wariness, no trace that I ever wronged them.

No comments: