Monday, September 4, 2006

Marital spat

Today was a bad day because Kevin and I had a major argument. I know I'm not supposed to talk about these things. But tonight, it's bugging me that nobody talks about these things. When I was younger, like in high school and college, my girlfriends shared all kinds of stuff with me, like what kissing was like, and why they fought with their boyfriends. And then, once they got married, that was it, no more intimate discussions. All of a sudden, it was about protecting the husband, making him look good, which certainly meant no more talking about marital squabbles and sex. Wouldn't want to present him as a jerk in any way, I guess.

I got over this hangup awhile ago, while we were living with my parents. It was hard hiding Kevin's flaws while we all lived together. Besides, it totally gave him the upper hand, because all he had to do was act up a tiny bit in front of others, and I would give in. Eventually, I got sick of this and realized so what if people knew Kevin had jerkish tendencies. He was my husband, we were going to stick together, and tough luck if they didn't approve. After that, whenever he tried to get to me by acting up in front of others, I would just yell at him, "You want to do this right now?! Good, let's do it!" So that's no longer a problem.

I'm embarrrassed to go into the details of why we squabbled today because I don't want to look bad, but of course it started small and then got blown way out of proportion. I just can't believe one person has so much influence and power over me, that one person can determine whether I laugh or cry, whether I'm happy or depressed, that I can feel utterly worthless just from one thing he says. It sounds dysfunctional, but I think it must be normal, because we're pretty normal in general. Everybody's always waxing on about the wonders of love and marriage. Nobody ever tells you how sometimes it totally stinks to depend so much on one person and be so helpless.

We've made up. And we don't have major blow-outs like this very often. It seems to be somewhat cyclical. Sometimes, after a calm period, Kevin will say that it's time for another major spat. So after today, I guess we're good for another few months.

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