Gratuitous Kid Picture

Not just because I have nothing to say but because I love looking at my kids and assume the whole entire world feels the same.

Why is the sky blue?

Everyday I walk four times to our neighborhood school: early in the morning to drop off my son, later in the morning to drop off my kindergartener, early in the afternoon to pick up the kindergartener, and later in the afternoon to pick up my son. Lucky for me we live in Southern California.

I don't mind the frequent treks. The walks are a nice break in my otherwise agoraphobic existence. Nothing wakes up the body and mind like the chilly morning air and a quick chat with beloved neighbors. And nothing warms my kids and me up like a walk in the afternoon sun, a game of tag with friends, and a good-bye until tomorrow chat with beloved neighbors.

What I love most about our little walks is the view.
(This is not our house, but I wish it was. Ours is much smaller and has a lot more weeds & toys in the yard as well as an abandoned car in the driveway.)

The blue is not just in front of me, it's all around me. It's impossible to miss. And be awed.

I can't help but think about how the longer wavelengths of color like red are absorbed by air particles, leaving only the shorter wavelengths to be scattered and reflected. Hence, blue sky.

I'm grateful these days for any coherent thought, nerdy and out of touch though it may be.

Then, because I have nothing else to do except sit around and ruminate, I wonder: Why are the long wavelengths absorbed, leaving only the shorter ones? Why is blue a shorter wavelength and red a longer one? Why is the sky not red or some other color?

God made it so, and not just randomly. Every bullfighter and decorator knows that color affects mood. Red, for example is associated with power, anger, desire, violence, and can actually raise blood pressure. I'd hate to be surrounded every day by red.

Blue represents peace, tranquility, stability, harmony, unity, trust, and truth. Blue can slow the pulse rate and lower body temperature. Out of all the other positive moods evoked by other colors, God chose peace and harmony to envelope us with. Not only in sky but in water as well. That's a big chunk of the world!

God knows us so well. He knows we're ornery people who fight about the dumbest things, from whether a car cut us off to who gets the biggest dessert portion. He knows we need a reminder, wherever we are in the world we are, from sun up to sun down, to live in peace with each other.

Plus, blue just goes so well with the rest of the earth: white clouds, green trees, brown earth, and bright flowers. I have personally conducted some research attesting to how blue jeans go with everything.

This concludes our science lesson. Next time, I will address the age old question of is Pluto a planet? Oh, let's get real. I'm not going to have anytime soon to blog again. So...

Pluto is a dwarf planet which is not a planet at all. Certain astronomers were unwilling to let go of Pluto as a planet and so stuck the term planet in the new category, thereby proving to everyone that scientists enjoy confusing people with nomenclature. The real answer is, of course, who the heck can tell from 5 billion kilometers away?

Warts, Moles, and All

This year I resolve to be less paranoid about having my picture taken. It's some sort of phobia that I have, except I can't find it on the official phobia list. Photophobia, the most likely candidate, is the fear of light, so that's not it. After screening down the whole list of P's, past pagophobia (fear of ice), papaphobia (fear of the Pope), and pteronophobia (fear of being tickled by feathers), I gave up.

And I thought I had issues.

As I was reviewing all the photos from 2009 in an attempt to put together a photo calendar for the grandparents, I noticed that I was in maybe 10 pictures. Out of 8489. The overwhelming majority, of course, was of the kids. If a parent was in the photo, it was the husband. Granted, he's a bigger ham, more photogenic, and just better-looking than me, but still. I don't want the kids to look back after they've grown up and wonder where the heck I was during their childhood. See kids? Mommy was not in front of the computer all the time.

For my kids, I gave up my photograph hang-up. Just like I've given up my job, television, brain cells, tight abs, free time, junk food, social life, everything! But hey, I'm not bitter.

Lucky for me, the kids don't need to see a full frontal view to see how I adore them.
But wait...if I'm in front of the camera, who would be there to capture these kind of moments?
Forget it, I'm going back to behind the scenes again.

The resolution was good while it lasted. Next year we'll try to make it last longer, like maybe two days.

A Bright Spot

in an otherwise gray day.

My Way Back

The reason I haven't blogged lately, despite having two kids in school, is because my mornings are occupied now. Mornings were the only time I could blog before because it was quiet, and my brain was alert after just awakening. It was and still is my best thinking time.

I save that time now for something better. Someone better, I should say. Everyday, after walking off the grogginess in the brisk morning air while dropping off my son, I come home and spend my best time with God. I pray and read the Bible. I jot down thoughts. Most importantly, I wait. I don't rush through this time anymore. My prayers are long and winded, much like my blog posts. Sometimes, they don't even have a point. I read the Bible and come up with way too many questions for someone who has been a believer for 20+ years. I contemplate the answers to these questions, and every once in a little while, I might come up with a decent guess. More often than not, though, I have to let go of my need for knowledge.

This humbling process started with homeschooling my son. I knew homeschooling him would be difficult and tried to arm myself early on. Yes, I prayed, but nowhere near the amount of time that I spent researching, reading books, attending classes, and drilling veteran homeschoolers. When my efforts fell apart, I doubled my research time and halved my prayer time. I gave myself the 4-kids-without-epidural talk: I can do this! I just need to change my methods a little.

One of the ironic things about homeschooling is that although parents are initially attracted by the freedom and lack of Big Brother watching over them, some (like me) become trapped by the overwhelming responsibility of not just being in charge of their children's health, safety, and emotional well-being, but also being solely responsible (and therefore blameworthy) for whether or not their children can diagram sentences or write a haiku or tell the difference between a simile and a metaphor. I took that responsibility seriously, so much so that it became oppressive.

God rescued me from that onerous burden. Despite my best efforts, I had no choice but to relinquish the control I held onto so tightly. And yet, instead of being angry at me for not trusting Him, instead of punishing me for my pride, He lovingly reminded me that He is sufficient. He comforted me, reassuring that He loves and cares for my son more than I do. My son and I are safe in His hands.

A common theme of parenthood is letting children learn responsibility by allowing them to experience the negative consequences of their actions. In all fairness, I should have suffered a whole range of unpleasant consequences. My son could have hated me, he could have fallen behind academically, the school could have turned him away, or he could have gotten a horrible teacher. None of that happened. I didn't even have to fill out paperwork for my son because they still had his stuff from last year. That's right, a government institution which normally requires a pre-application, application, and post-application (all of which ask for the same information) said I could skip them all! That is how merciful our heavenly Father is. He took my negative consequences and replaced them with forgiveness and love.

So you see, saving my best time is the least I could do for Him.

I might have given blogging up completely, except that I missed it terribly. I missed thinking of the perfect wording, scanning through the kids' pictures to choose the best one to upload, using vocabulary I didn't know I had, and being creative in my own limited way.

My posts may not be as well put together as they used to be (it is after midnight now). Still, when I'm senile one day, I'll look back at this blog and think, wow I was so coherent way back when.

When it comes right down to it, there's one reason I'll never give up blogging: I have much to say and no one over the age of 8 to say it to.

The Long Road to Assertiveness

1976:
Kid #1 asks me something, Kid #2 responds, "Oh, don't bother, she can't talk." The school labels me as a mute.

1979:
All my friends abandon me because a girl claimed that I stole something of hers. I don't deny it even though it's not true.

1987:
The first boy ever in my whole life "likes" me. I end up going with him despite him being a total loser.

1989a:
The first boy ever in my whole life thinks I am pretty (wow, not just because I'm nice). I end up going with him despite him being a loser, though not as big of a loser as the first guy.

1989b:
I decide that I don't really like him in that way and break it off.

1989c:
After listening to him from 1 am to 5 am, I decide to give it another try.

1989d:
Two days later, repeat 1989b.

1989e:
One day later, repeat 1989c.

1991:
Stammered through presentation of research assignment.

1991:
Got drunk for the first and only time in my life because "friends" insisted it was the proper way to celebrate my 21st birthday. So-called friend ordered a Long Island iced tea. I subsequently slept through dinner.

1993:
After seeing us hang out together, Loser #2 warns the husband to stay away from me because I don't know my own mind.

1994:
First day as graduate teaching assistant. After my first class, a girl comes up to me and tells me in front of the whole class that "I am the worst teacher ever." Another girl feels sorry for me and says I was not that bad.

1995:
Was coerced to drink again by fellow graduate students. I did pick my own drink at least, after giving the bartender the third degree about which drink to order. Finally I ordered a fruity concoction which turned out to be nasty.

1996:
Presented thesis without embarrassing myself completely.

1997:
Frequently sent high schoolers to principal's office while substitute teaching because they so enjoyed torturing me. Towards the end of my subbing career, I would just bring a tape of Shawshank Redemption and make them watch it, not matter what subject I subbed.

1997:
Started attending a bible study with a conspiracy nut and an ex-stoner. Guess who offered the best answers to the pastor's questions.

2001-2006:
Had 4 children. Started yelling nonstop a lot.

November 2009:
Reprimanded a student for his lame drawing of a flower. I told him: my 5 year old could do better than this (it was really that bad). He sputtered,"But that wasn't my part! My lab partner drew that, and I got it from him!"

I replied,"What, you got no brains of your own? If your partner had drawn a booger for a flower, would you have copied that?"

Yes, the road has been long but it's been worth it.

Update

It's been so long, I don't even know where to start. I guess a quick update is as good of a place as any.

• My son started off public school really well. And by really well, I mean that he was only a shell of himself, with an alien on the inside. An obedient, quiet, and calm alien that all schools and teachers love. Not to fear - through willpower (he always did have more than enough), my son defeated his inner alien and reverted back to his rambunctious self. Which is why he had a few detentions lately. But that's another story, a looooong story that I'd just as soon forget.
  

• I am My older daughter is loving all the quiet at home now. She wakes up late everyday, does her school work, plays with her baby brother whenever he jumps on her, helps out around the house, and spends the rest of the afternoon reading on her bed. I love having her at home. We have the best conversations, about everything from why plants can't move to what envy is and how it is the downfall of every woman. Just this week, I told her a simple truth: Girls are a lot smarter about feelings than boys are. She understood completely and nodded in agreement.
  

• My younger daughter is doing great in kindergarten. She reads, writes, and listens very quietly at school, and then comes home to let it all loose. Walking her to school everyday is a treat. Unlike her brother, she insists I hold her hand the whole way, and not just limply. I have to squeeze her hand the entire way. When we reach home, she takes all her schoolwork out of her backpack right away and shows off what she's done. She loves to be held still, and between her and her baby brother, the husband's and my arms are almost always full.
  

• My baby boy turned 3 last month. I don't have the words to say anything else about it. Bittersweet and nostalgic doesn't begin to cover it. For a whole week, everyone walked around saying, "I can't believe he's already 3!" His older sister would deny, "He is not growing up!" and showered him with so many kisses that he screamed at the sight of her approach. To hear him giggle is joy for all of us. Despite our constant spoiling, he remains a sweet kid who apologizes and shares his toys readily.
  

• The husband is still the best husband and father in the world.
  

• I am still blessed beyond belief.