Warts, Moles, and All

This year I resolve to be less paranoid about having my picture taken. It's some sort of phobia that I have, except I can't find it on the official phobia list. Photophobia, the most likely candidate, is the fear of light, so that's not it. After screening down the whole list of P's, past pagophobia (fear of ice), papaphobia (fear of the Pope), and pteronophobia (fear of being tickled by feathers), I gave up.

And I thought I had issues.

As I was reviewing all the photos from 2009 in an attempt to put together a photo calendar for the grandparents, I noticed that I was in maybe 10 pictures. Out of 8489. The overwhelming majority, of course, was of the kids. If a parent was in the photo, it was the husband. Granted, he's a bigger ham, more photogenic, and just better-looking than me, but still. I don't want the kids to look back after they've grown up and wonder where the heck I was during their childhood. See kids? Mommy was not in front of the computer all the time.

For my kids, I gave up my photograph hang-up. Just like I've given up my job, television, brain cells, tight abs, free time, junk food, social life, everything! But hey, I'm not bitter.

Lucky for me, the kids don't need to see a full frontal view to see how I adore them.
But wait...if I'm in front of the camera, who would be there to capture these kind of moments?
Forget it, I'm going back to behind the scenes again.

The resolution was good while it lasted. Next year we'll try to make it last longer, like maybe two days.

A Bright Spot

in an otherwise gray day.

My Way Back

The reason I haven't blogged lately, despite having two kids in school, is because my mornings are occupied now. Mornings were the only time I could blog before because it was quiet, and my brain was alert after just awakening. It was and still is my best thinking time.

I save that time now for something better. Someone better, I should say. Everyday, after walking off the grogginess in the brisk morning air while dropping off my son, I come home and spend my best time with God. I pray and read the Bible. I jot down thoughts. Most importantly, I wait. I don't rush through this time anymore. My prayers are long and winded, much like my blog posts. Sometimes, they don't even have a point. I read the Bible and come up with way too many questions for someone who has been a believer for 20+ years. I contemplate the answers to these questions, and every once in a little while, I might come up with a decent guess. More often than not, though, I have to let go of my need for knowledge.

This humbling process started with homeschooling my son. I knew homeschooling him would be difficult and tried to arm myself early on. Yes, I prayed, but nowhere near the amount of time that I spent researching, reading books, attending classes, and drilling veteran homeschoolers. When my efforts fell apart, I doubled my research time and halved my prayer time. I gave myself the 4-kids-without-epidural talk: I can do this! I just need to change my methods a little.

One of the ironic things about homeschooling is that although parents are initially attracted by the freedom and lack of Big Brother watching over them, some (like me) become trapped by the overwhelming responsibility of not just being in charge of their children's health, safety, and emotional well-being, but also being solely responsible (and therefore blameworthy) for whether or not their children can diagram sentences or write a haiku or tell the difference between a simile and a metaphor. I took that responsibility seriously, so much so that it became oppressive.

God rescued me from that onerous burden. Despite my best efforts, I had no choice but to relinquish the control I held onto so tightly. And yet, instead of being angry at me for not trusting Him, instead of punishing me for my pride, He lovingly reminded me that He is sufficient. He comforted me, reassuring that He loves and cares for my son more than I do. My son and I are safe in His hands.

A common theme of parenthood is letting children learn responsibility by allowing them to experience the negative consequences of their actions. In all fairness, I should have suffered a whole range of unpleasant consequences. My son could have hated me, he could have fallen behind academically, the school could have turned him away, or he could have gotten a horrible teacher. None of that happened. I didn't even have to fill out paperwork for my son because they still had his stuff from last year. That's right, a government institution which normally requires a pre-application, application, and post-application (all of which ask for the same information) said I could skip them all! That is how merciful our heavenly Father is. He took my negative consequences and replaced them with forgiveness and love.

So you see, saving my best time is the least I could do for Him.

I might have given blogging up completely, except that I missed it terribly. I missed thinking of the perfect wording, scanning through the kids' pictures to choose the best one to upload, using vocabulary I didn't know I had, and being creative in my own limited way.

My posts may not be as well put together as they used to be (it is after midnight now). Still, when I'm senile one day, I'll look back at this blog and think, wow I was so coherent way back when.

When it comes right down to it, there's one reason I'll never give up blogging: I have much to say and no one over the age of 8 to say it to.

The Long Road to Assertiveness

1976:
Kid #1 asks me something, Kid #2 responds, "Oh, don't bother, she can't talk." The school labels me as a mute.

1979:
All my friends abandon me because a girl claimed that I stole something of hers. I don't deny it even though it's not true.

1987:
The first boy ever in my whole life "likes" me. I end up going with him despite him being a total loser.

1989a:
The first boy ever in my whole life thinks I am pretty (wow, not just because I'm nice). I end up going with him despite him being a loser, though not as big of a loser as the first guy.

1989b:
I decide that I don't really like him in that way and break it off.

1989c:
After listening to him from 1 am to 5 am, I decide to give it another try.

1989d:
Two days later, repeat 1989b.

1989e:
One day later, repeat 1989c.

1991:
Stammered through presentation of research assignment.

1991:
Got drunk for the first and only time in my life because "friends" insisted it was the proper way to celebrate my 21st birthday. So-called friend ordered a Long Island iced tea. I subsequently slept through dinner.

1993:
After seeing us hang out together, Loser #2 warns the husband to stay away from me because I don't know my own mind.

1994:
First day as graduate teaching assistant. After my first class, a girl comes up to me and tells me in front of the whole class that "I am the worst teacher ever." Another girl feels sorry for me and says I was not that bad.

1995:
Was coerced to drink again by fellow graduate students. I did pick my own drink at least, after giving the bartender the third degree about which drink to order. Finally I ordered a fruity concoction which turned out to be nasty.

1996:
Presented thesis without embarrassing myself completely.

1997:
Frequently sent high schoolers to principal's office while substitute teaching because they so enjoyed torturing me. Towards the end of my subbing career, I would just bring a tape of Shawshank Redemption and make them watch it, not matter what subject I subbed.

1997:
Started attending a bible study with a conspiracy nut and an ex-stoner. Guess who offered the best answers to the pastor's questions.

2001-2006:
Had 4 children. Started yelling nonstop a lot.

November 2009:
Reprimanded a student for his lame drawing of a flower. I told him: my 5 year old could do better than this (it was really that bad). He sputtered,"But that wasn't my part! My lab partner drew that, and I got it from him!"

I replied,"What, you got no brains of your own? If your partner had drawn a booger for a flower, would you have copied that?"

Yes, the road has been long but it's been worth it.

Update

It's been so long, I don't even know where to start. I guess a quick update is as good of a place as any.

• My son started off public school really well. And by really well, I mean that he was only a shell of himself, with an alien on the inside. An obedient, quiet, and calm alien that all schools and teachers love. Not to fear - through willpower (he always did have more than enough), my son defeated his inner alien and reverted back to his rambunctious self. Which is why he had a few detentions lately. But that's another story, a looooong story that I'd just as soon forget.
  

• I am My older daughter is loving all the quiet at home now. She wakes up late everyday, does her school work, plays with her baby brother whenever he jumps on her, helps out around the house, and spends the rest of the afternoon reading on her bed. I love having her at home. We have the best conversations, about everything from why plants can't move to what envy is and how it is the downfall of every woman. Just this week, I told her a simple truth: Girls are a lot smarter about feelings than boys are. She understood completely and nodded in agreement.
  

• My younger daughter is doing great in kindergarten. She reads, writes, and listens very quietly at school, and then comes home to let it all loose. Walking her to school everyday is a treat. Unlike her brother, she insists I hold her hand the whole way, and not just limply. I have to squeeze her hand the entire way. When we reach home, she takes all her schoolwork out of her backpack right away and shows off what she's done. She loves to be held still, and between her and her baby brother, the husband's and my arms are almost always full.
  

• My baby boy turned 3 last month. I don't have the words to say anything else about it. Bittersweet and nostalgic doesn't begin to cover it. For a whole week, everyone walked around saying, "I can't believe he's already 3!" His older sister would deny, "He is not growing up!" and showered him with so many kisses that he screamed at the sight of her approach. To hear him giggle is joy for all of us. Despite our constant spoiling, he remains a sweet kid who apologizes and shares his toys readily.
  

• The husband is still the best husband and father in the world.
  

• I am still blessed beyond belief.

Our Halloween

The kindergarteners on their trick-or-treating fieldtrip. Because the school knows there's nothing cuter than a bunch of kindergarteners.
The princess holding up her underwear which kept sliding down.
The brave dad who let his daughter paper mache his face to make a mask.
The other princess.
The superhero who ran around scaring the princesses and ended up breaking a nail.
The baby monkey who had to be carried from door to door.
The reason why many of the houses ran out of candy.
The loot. There are 5 more bags just like this. Candy, anyone?
The birthday girl with her nieces.
Hope your Halloween was as sweet as ours.

A New Beginning

First off, I apologize. I'm so very sorry for dropping off cyberspace suddenly without a word. I realize that my dear readers, all three of you, wondered if I perhaps died. Not quite but I'm sorry if I caused anyone to worry.

At this point, I have to physically force myself to quit apologizing, because otherwise the husband will ask,"why do you keep apologizing?" He is very sensitive about me apologizing, ever since he saw some news report about how women are too nice and apologize over nothing, whereas men are abrupt, rude, and never admit when they're wrong.

The only time when he doesn't come down on me apologizing too much is when I'm apologizing to him.

Also, I'm not supposed to say,"I'm sorry" when apologizing because it carries the connotation that I'm admitting more than what I did wrong. As in, "I'm a sorry excuse for a human."

The reason I have been MIA is because I started homeschooling my son. I had expected it to be hard, had tried to prepare for it, had prayed about it, and still, I was blown away at the challenges I faced daily.

My son loved and hated homeschooling. He hated the schooling part, but he enjoyed all the free playing time with his toys. I loved and hated it, too. We struggled everyday with one thing or another. These daily battles took so much out of me that at the end of the day, after schooling my older daughter, driving the kids from lessons to practices (on time), preparing for and going to work, researching different ideas to engage my son for the next day, and coming up with ideas for dinner, nothing remained of me except carnage. Most certainly I did not have enough to put two sentences together on a blog. I considered putting up one sentence, "kids are driving me nuts, don't have mental capacity to blog anymore" but was afraid that would really get someone to sic a government agency on me.
Who, me? What'd I do?

Last week, we put our son back in public school. It was an agonizing decision, especially for someone who is as wishy-washy as me, but God is unbelievably good. He not only gave my son the most incredible teacher, but also gave him lots of friends. He has friends from last year, from soccer, church, and Boy Scouts. God has surrounded him with good people. As an extra bonus, I get to communion daily with the wonderful moms in our neighborhood.
First day of school shot, 1.5 months late

Best of all, I'm back, Baby!